Super Pathetic DietBlog (and Trail Note)
I shouldn’t have whined about staying the same weight for three weeks. I had a gain. Yeah, turducken and all, but it’s still depressing. I’m now back to 2.4kg away from wearing my new shoes. I know that’s nothin’, and I should be thinking about how it’ll only take two weeks to get rid of. But I’m not. People keep complimenting me and I smile and thank them for their encouragement… but I don’t think any of them realize how down I am about my progress right now. I know I’ve had peaks and troughs before, but the trough I’m in is lower than I’ve felt since I began WW seven months ago. I was in the shower the other day, not thinking about anything in particular, when suddenly my brain just stated: “You can’t do it. You’ll never do it.” And then it was out there, and I can’t seem to shake this feeling of powerlessness and self-loathing. I forced myself to a kickboxing class Monday night (mostly in the hopes that it would mitigate what was sure to be a gain at the meeting last night), but it left me so sore and bruised and tired afterwards that I just felt on the verge of a breakdown. Yesterday afternoon I had a crazy e-mail exhange with the Snook – “Why am I always starving? I HATE MYSELF.” – in which I tried to rationalize skipping the meeting but he wouldn’t let me. I left work dreading the weigh-in and wanting nothing more than to sit at home and eat leftover pumpkin pie and be completely self-destructive. And that made me so damn angry with myself that I decided to do the most painful, punishing thing I could think of: I went running. I put on my goddamn shoes and hobbled out the door. I ran all the way down Harris Street to Pyrmont, around by the Anzac Bridge and the Fish Markets, and then back up Wattle Street to home. Along that back stretch I was definitely in some pain – my side ached, my ankle was sore – but I could see someone else coming towards me, someone as red-faced and sweaty and slow as I was. It was only just as we reached each other that I realized it was Karen, one of the girls from my WW meeting. We shared a wave and a smile. Anyway, I got home and showered and made it to the meeting, and the whole time I was sitting there I was still feeling depressed and like everything I’d accomplished was a big fluke. Megan told us that motivation is a combination of how important a goal is to you and how confident you are in your ability to reach it. My confidence was at rock bottom… But then at the end of the meeting Megan announced that we had a milestone to celebrate, that someone had just passed the 30 kilos lost mark… and it was Karen. I felt both inspired by her and completely jealous, and then that made me feel like a big selfish jerk. I need to get out of this rut and I need it to happen fast. I’m seeing the hypnotherapist again on Friday, and I’m hoping to see her again the next week. In the meantime, I’m just going to take it one day at a time.
Anonymous
November 30, 2005 — 11:01 am
I’ve been there. It’s really hard to get back on track. Have you been writing everything down that you eat? Oh wait, are you doing core? Maybe you should switch. Points are a pain, but it really makes you account for everything you put in your mouth. I think the fact that you are exercising is great. Keep that up, cut down on portion sizes and write everything down. It worked for me and kicked me into the second stage of losing. Good luck!
Kris
November 30, 2005 — 11:05 am
What’s “core”? In Australia as far as I know, we just have Points. My tracking is sporadic. I do it for a few days, but then I inevitably eat something that I don’t know the Points for, and so I don’t bother to write them for that rest of that day, and then I end up not writing anything down for the rest of the week… But I’ve started again today.
tara d.
November 30, 2005 — 11:26 am
aww, howie. if it makes you feel any better, in some fashion – this is everyone’s life, you know? i mean, whether it is weight loss or not, i’m sure everyone faces something they feel hopeless about, even after major successes and major struggles.
in my case, i have two: weight battles and career stuff. in both cases, i am not capable of being completely in control of either, but know that my best work will hopefully prove itself and show itself through the successes i experience. career-wise, i know that i can only do so much, write so much, perform so much, and then from there, hope. hope and hope. hope someone is watching or seeing or caring RIGHT then, when i need them to. but my part isn’t worth it if i’m not always putting out great stuff, “A game” stuff. not everyday can be an a-day, because we’re human and it’s impossible. so what next?
turducken makes things impossible, or improbable, and makes you (or rather, would make me) remember what an easy slide down it is to rely on outside things to make you feel good, or whole, or healed. not to be too nutsy about it – but, wholistically, even for me in comedy – i know what works in front of an audience, and i know what makes people laugh, but it’s not fun any more if i don’t surprise me, too. maybe the need for that is the prescription across the board, everywhere- to not rely, but to try, to adapt, and to hope.
surprise yourself this week and do one thing different.
it’ll give you hope, i promise.
love you.
tara d.
November 30, 2005 — 11:28 am
p.s. – you have done amazing work already. now your insides have to catch up with how great your outside should feel. don’t be too hard on yourself, pretty!
Kris
November 30, 2005 — 12:11 pm
Awww, TD, thanks for that. You’ll make me cry! I was a little reluctant to make a big “woe is me” post, because really, there are a lot bigger problems in the world than whether I lose five pounds, you know? But at the same time, I don’t want to have this blog just be a highlight reel and never give any idea of the struggles I’m going through. I’ve personally inspired a couple other people to join and I’d hate for them to feel I misled them about how easy it was or something. (I can see where you’d get that too on your site. If it’s all “Woohoo! Being a comedian is easy money!” then you’d feel shit when some kid writes and says he can’t pay the rent.)
Do something different… Do something different… That’s going to be my mantra. I just can’t think of anything to try just yet.
eileen
November 30, 2005 — 12:46 pm
It’s true, RT, everyone feels like that sometimes. Everyone with goals, at least. I was feeling really down about my lack of progress with my thesis research and one of my faculty members said “It’s not supposed to be easy.” Part of me wanted to punch him in the face, but I guess that’s the way life is. Don’t give up- you’ll get there eventually and it will mean so much more knowing how much you struggled. Oh, and kudos to you for writing about it on your blog, it takes courage to write in detail about your real feelings. Courage that I lack 🙂
Oh, and I agree- do something different, just to spice things up a bit and help you break out of the rut. Good luck!
Staci
November 30, 2005 — 12:47 pm
I’m right there with you on being at a low in WW. I was doing great till a month or so ago. I actually stopped going to meetings a couple months ago because Nathaniel and I are trying to cut corners everywhere we can to save money and make this part-time job thing for me work. I thought I was doing okay following the WW plan without the meetings, but the past several weeks have been awful. I’m always able to make an excuse for why it’s okay for me to cheat a little. Or like you said, I’ll track for most of the day then eat something I don’t know the points for and call the day blown from there and just make it worse the rest of the evening (why not have one more Coke? I already blew today). The holidays aren’t going to make the next few weeks any easier, either. But hang in there! You can lose the next few kilos, and I can lose my next few pounds as well. 🙂 We just have to recommitt to it and really want it. I’m totally impressed that you went for a run after feeling that low. Generally when I feel that way, I give into the tempation of pumpkin pie immediately. Anyway, this was a long rant, but your post hit me right when I was feeling the same exact way. As the prior posters noted, you’re not alone at all. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to count points again. And I’m not going to eat a bunch of crap tonight just because I haven’t been counting points yet today!
Kris
November 30, 2005 — 1:20 pm
The image of you punching a faculty member in the face is *exactly* what I need to cheer me up today, RT. 🙂
And Staci, you just described all my issues with the tracking too! I can’t imagine how much harder it would be with kids in the house. You just can’t take the hard-line against junk food the way a non-parent can. As it is, I still have several bags of gummi worms and fruit roll-ups (from Halloween) lurking in my cupboard that I’ve been loathe to toss. Maybe I’ll bring them into work tomorrow and remove the temptation. But anyway, if you promise to track faithfully for the next week, I will too!
Max
November 30, 2005 — 3:29 pm
Don’t get down, Kris–if you’re going to play the numbers game (on a scale, WW points, whatever), there are bound to be some days that aren’t as good as others. I have a calendar full of daily weigh-ins (including this morning) that you can look at if you need proof. You know you can knock those kilos off in a matter of weeks–heck, if someone told you that you had to do it in a matter of days because your life depended on it, you know you could do it then. The key here is that you know you can do it–not in a cheesy inspirational way, but in a dammit-it’s-a-fact way. The holidays are great, but they also make me miserable when I try to stay on track with weight control–there should be a rule that we just can’t beat ourselves up about it between T-giving and a week or so after New Year’s…even though we still will. You’ll be in those red Crocs a lot sooner than you think.
Oh, and a word about “anger exercising” (anger-cize?). It’s great psychologically, but horrible physically. EVERY SINGLE ONE of the “God I’m so effing fat” runs I’ve ever gone on (to punish myself) have been unsatisfying and usually painful for days after, because I’m so wrapped up in my rage at myself that I don’t bother to listen to my body. Thus, I end up with sore legs or a sore back or muscle strain or whatever…and then I can’t do any real exercise for a few days. It’s hard not to sublimate like that, but try to resist it. You’re definitely back on track now, and I think you’re really brave–braver than I am–and generous to share the occasional (and temporary) setback with us.
Anonymous
December 1, 2005 — 12:06 am
The Core plan was WW’s answer to the low carb craze. Basically you get a list of foods you can eat and you can eat as much of it as you want. I never did it b/c I am a picky eater and a lot of the stuff just didn’t appeal to me. Go to the US weight watchers site and you can read about it there, I believe.
Tricia
December 1, 2005 — 4:31 am
A super-pathetic dietblog and trail note in my mind would run along the lines of: I skipped my meeting and my run and ate leftover pie, I continued to skip meetings and quit exercising to sit around hating myself, and never did anything about it except eat more pie, ’till that ran out and I moved on to ice cream; I then became a complete shut-in, stopped talking to my friends, and turned away from my husband…
We all have those days, but you didn’t even start with the pie; you picked yourself up and went for a run (I hope you didn’t hurt your ankle) and then went to your meeting. And then you turned to your friends and got positive support, which is about as unpathetic and healthy a day as I can imagine.
I love Eileen’s comment about the “it’s not supposed to be easy” quote. I try to remember when I’m getting down about myself about struggling (and sometimes failing) at something, that if it were easy, then it wouldn’t be an accomplishment; I wouldn’t be learning and growing and stretching. Hard to remember on those not-so-great-failed-that-quiz-gained-three-pounds-over-the-holiday-weekend days (oh, yeah; I had a couple of those days recently, too). I keep hoping that I’m learning how to manage life/weight/etc. and am learning so far that those bad days and setbacks don’t change, but how I respond to them can.
I’m looking forward to seeing a picture of those croc’s, cause you’ll be wearing them sooner than you think.
Kevin
December 1, 2005 — 6:06 am
I wouldn’t fret…there’ll always be a backstep or two on the road to accomplishment, but that doesn’t mean you’re not still advancing.
And, besides, as Max said, all bets are off for Thanksgiving week, when it’s our American duty to consume egregious amounts of birdflesh. (If we don’t, the terrorists will have won!) 🙂
Marci
December 1, 2005 — 7:55 am
*hugs*
Kristine S.
December 1, 2005 — 1:56 pm
Kris- keep up the hard work, I’ve been there too. It helped me to make a line-graph… from my old weight at the top, and my goal weight at the bottom, and I plotted each point. It helped put the mini weight gains back in perspective… yeah last week sucked, but you’ve come soo far- it’s not about how you eat this week or next week, but the habits you build for the rest of your life!
by the way- are you coming to the States for the holidays?
Niffler
December 1, 2005 — 8:32 pm
There have already been so many great words of wisdom, so I’ll add nothing except my support:
I know you can do it! 🙂
Marci
December 2, 2005 — 2:42 am
Hey, Kris. I was watching this show on Discovery Health channel last night, and it was about the “Half-Ton Man.” His doctor participated in a study with mice which revealed how some overweight and obese people may be genetically flawed in that their brain doesn’t make the chemical that tells them they’re not hungry, or to stop eating. Your comment that you’re always hungry is also MY biggest complaint. I can eat until I’m almost sick, but less than two hours later I’ll want to eat again. Last night, for example, I ate three slices of Papa John’s, plus all of Jay’s crusts (dipped them in the garlic butter sauce, natch), and not even an hour later I was going into the kitchen again, hunting something to munch on. It’s insane! It’s been that way since I was a kid — they used to say I had a “hollow leg” — but I’m not a kid any longer, and I don’t have a child’s metabolism.
Anyway, I just really identified with this post, but didn’t really know what to say because I’m pretty down about my own lack of control and inability to keep off weight. If the Half-Ton Man’s doctor is correct in his theory that some overweight people lack that chemical, maybe it helps explain some of my own food issues. The holidays certainly don’t help — it’s like we’re trained from children to overeat this time of year.
I second Niffler. I know you can do it! You look so glowingly healthy in all of your pictures. Just 5 pounds left to go! Those Crocs are yours! 🙂