You know, sometimes when you go to the gym mad, you just come out madder. Tonight’s list of complaints:
- The ladies’ locker room has a fat mirror in it. You women know what I’m talking about. The kind that makes you look bulgy in all the wrong places when you look in it. It’s right near the door, too, so I see it right at the beginning and end of my workout. The damn thing is so distorted it should be in a Funhouse. It’s not a very inspiring sight.
- I had to rearrange my usual routine because some scary woman was monopolizing the inner thigh adductor machine. You know, the one where your legs are spread way out. Except she wasn’t actually using it; she was just sitting in it. Spread-eagled. Like she was at the gynecologist.
- My left ear is mutant. It’s freakishly small. My new iPod earbuds were too big and kept falling out, so I got some of those sporty ones that curve over the back of your ear. They fit fine on my right ear. They do not fit fine on my left ear. In fact, they stay in for about two seconds before popping out. Can you get plastic surgery on an ear??
- I wish fitness results were correlated to how red and sweaty one’s face gets. I’d be the frickin’ Queen of that place.
- I’m not a gym size-ist. In fact, I think less healthy individuals (and I include myself in that group) should almost have priority on the equipment. However, when you’re so big that you literally have to squeeze into a piece of equipment, perhaps you shouldn’t be using it just yet. Yes, big fat man in a little T-shirt, I’m talkin’ to you. That abdominal machine will never be the same.
- Every time I swear I won’t check my weight, and I always do. And it makes me so mad! It keeps moving up and down. One day I’ll lose a pound, the next I’ll gain it back with interest. What the hell am I doing this for?
Whew. I feel better now that’s off my chest.