Snarky, less-than-reverent thoughts on the Olympics Opening Ceremony:

  • What the hell was up with that “boy lost in the woods” bit? The Aussie commentators were telling us what was happening, but you could totally tell that they were just reading it off a paper. Nobody could glean a damn thing from that pretentious bit of crap. At one point Snookums was like, “Why is he being chased by giant silver KKK members?” And the “fire” guy? I’m like, “Where did David Bowie come from?”
  • I swear that at one point, the skater couples were doing the “Pemchenko” from The Cutting Edge. Did anybody else see that?
  • Greece still get to lead off the procession? How much do the modern Olympics have to do with Greece nowadays? Practically nothing.
  • I don’t mind when the commentators say that a country’s never won a medal; that’s fine. I think it’s a bit mean to add “Oh, and they’ve got no chances this year either.”
  • You could practically hear the Australians bitching about the cold. 🙂
  • Did you see that nutty Bermuda flag carrier wearing shorts? I bet he literally froze his ass off.
  • Who designs each team’s outfits? The Chinese one makes them look like Arctic McDonald’s workers.
  • The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia? They get alphabetized under “F” for “Former”??
  • Heh. The Jamaicans are “raising the roof”. Kickass.
  • You know these teams with only one athlete? Who the heck are the other old guys marching with them?
  • Oh dear Lord. The Korean outfits are atrocious. What the hell is up with those hats?
  • The Mongolian hats, on the other hand, rock. Part Attila-the-Hun, part catwalk.
  • Huh. Nepal’s flag isn’t a square. That’s kinda cool.
  • I know that New Zealand’s various sports teams are referred to as the “All Blacks”, but why are their Olypians wearing all black? The Aussies didn’t wear their national colors.
  • Hey, Norway. The 80’s called and they want their silver headbands back.
  • There’s a lot of fur on display here. I’m wondering if it’s all fake, because it looks awfully expensive. And in more than one case, awfully tacky. Yes, Russian Federation, I’m looking at you.
  • The commentator just said that Sweden has won a “swag” of medals. I thought that word was just drug slang.
  • Okay, the Swiss look like aliens. Seriously. “Do you like your quasi-futuristic garb, Mr. Powers?”
  • Snookums: “That’d be a good job.” Me: “What?” Snookums: “Being the guy that has to dig up one random fact about each country for the stupid commentators.”
  • Hear come the Americans. Did you hear that Bush finished his pep talk to them with “Let’s roll!”? *squirm*
  • Oh, there’s Michelle Kwan. She’s so cute. Whatever happened to that Lipinski chick? Did she go pro or something?
  • Oh no. It’s that kid again. This time he’s with Native Americans. I have nothing against them; I just squirm when white people romanticize their culture after hundreds of year of repressing them. We’ve reduced their entire historical impact to dream-catchers and casinos. People decorate their homes in “Southwestern” style without a thought of how people actually live on reserves. But enough ranting…
  • Wow. Horses can walk on ice? I can’t walk on ice.
  • Native Americans dancing to rock music. I’m going to go get some beer. I can’t watch this anymore.

I missed the whole emotional bit at the beginning with the WTC flag, in case you’re wondering why I’m snarking instead of sobbing. I’ve also been outside the States long enough to laugh at our excesses. We can just be so ridiculous sometimes, friends.

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  1. No more snarky than any comments I heard while watching in the good ole’ USA. Actually, some were eeriely similar. Here are just a couple others:

    Look for lots of make-up, find a figure skater.
    How did the guards from the Wizard of Oz’s Wicked Witch of the West make it to the Olympic games?
    USA: Nice berets.

    We decided that it would be fun to have a couple “real” people provide the commentary for these things (Like those guys in Mystery Science Theatre 3000). You can consider yourself lucky that you didn’t have to listen to the witty reparte of Katie Couric and Bob Costes.

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