I had three errands to run yesterday. Each one, in its own unique way, turned to crap. Be warned; this is one big long bile-filled rant. Feel free to skip over it if you’re having a good day.

First, the doctor. I went in for my regularly scheduled [discussion of “women’s business” removed for sensitive readers], which went well, and afterwards I’m sitting there while the doctor finishes writing on my chart. He says, “Anything new over the last few months?” I’ve been waiting for this moment. Proudly I say, “I’ve lost 10 kilos!” He’s happy. He asks how I did it. Slight hesitation: “Well, I sorta cut down on carbohydrates…” And he goes off on me. Starts telling me how Atkins and all the rest are full of shit. As Atkin recommends, I calmly and rationally refute all of his arguments. He says it’s because I’m exercising more. I tell him I’ve been doing to the gym with the same frequency since January, and it’s only since I’ve been doing Atkins that I’ve had any results. He says if I wasn’t losing weight, why didn’t I see a dietician. “Because I saw YOU”, I reminded him (mentally adding the word “dickhead”). He tells me my cholesterol will go up; I tell him that in most cases it goes down, and say that I’m willing to have my blood tested to prove it. “Have you READ the book?” I ask. “I’ve read ALL the books!” he huffs. Yeah, right. I point out to him the hypocrisy in denouncing something that he hasn’t done any research on. That, of course, doesn’t stop him from proclaiming, “It’s just… IMPOSSIBLE.” Yeah, like I just misplaced twenty pounds? This pleasant scene ends with him admonishing me to not “overdo” anything, and just take everything in “moderation”. In other words, he advocates the traditional starve-yourself-out-of-sheer-willpower approach. I walked out of there seeing red. Dude, it’s not like I’m doing the frickin’ Weekly World News Blue Dot All Fruit Juice diet. He pissed me off. I’m gonna find a new doctor.

So then it was on to the bank. Banking here confuses me. I’ve got all these new PINs and secret phone passwords and registration numbers and stuff, and I can’t keep any of them straight. I’ve only had the damn account for a week and I’ve already forgotten my Internet banking password. So I go to the local branch to reset it. There’s only one information desk, and a little old man is currently being served. I figure he’s probably just cashing a pension check or something. NO, he’s actually, like, planning his entire retirement. Right there at the walk-up counter. I listen as he invests in stock, sets up term deposits, inquires about mutual funds. I swear I watched him hand the teller a check for $600,000. Twenty minutes later I give up and head on to errand #3…

the library. This wasn’t so bad. I pick up my reserved book (Lemony Snicket’s The Reptile Room) and grab a few others. I head to the counter. And there she is, the Ill-Tempered Dwarf. The problem is that the check-out counter is really wide, and I always set down my stuff sorta in the middle (you know, as you normally would). But the dwarf has to strain to reach it. So then it’s like, do I push them closer so she doesn’t have to reach so far? Or will that draw attention to the fact that I’m four feet taller than her? If I don’t, will that further cement my place as “Giant Asshole” in her head? It’s rather stressful. I tend to just look down, mutter my thanks, and flee.

So back to the bank. Old man is still going strong. He finally finishes up and I get to the counter. “I need to reset my Internet banking password, please.” She tells me I have to call Customer Service to do that (despite the fact that Rodd was allowed to do it at the branch). Gritting my teeth, I ask if she can at least link up my two accounts (personal and business) so I can get some money from the ATM. “Sure,” she says, “what’s your secret personal password?” I tell her. It’s wrong. I throw out about fifteen other guesses, from my mother’s maiden name to books I read in college. Apparently one of them was right (or else she took pity on me) because she pulls my info up on the computer. Oh, sorry, she can’t do that. I’m not the prime signa-what’s-it on the account, so I can’t have the money. I can only get at it if I drag the man of the house along with me. WHATEVER. WHATEVER. WHATEVER.

Whew. I feel better now.


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  1. yeesh, there’s nothing worse than an unsatisfying trip to the doctor, especially if they make you lose faith in medicine and all those who practice it in general. hope the day got better eventually.

  2. Who’s the laugh on here, anyway. You’re the one who’s lost 20 lbs… Bully on him.

    I’m still sad about your negative library experiences. Every library visit should be a wonderful adventure.

  3. jeez…that post cheered me up! giant asshole. ha! and i’m going to preface this next comment with the statement that it IS ONLY A JOKE: you and rodd are atkins’ pod-people! pod-people! pod-people!

  4. Sadly, we are. I didn’t realize it until I started defending it to the damn doctor. But which is worse, the pod person who believes that they believe based on reason, or the so-called “professional” who dismisses something out of hand without evidence? Eh, he was smarmy anyway.

    And if you read some of the low-carb message boards, you’ll see that we’re actually at just about the lowest level of involvement. People seriously make it a LIFESTYLE. I’m just doing it because I’m fat and want to get skinny. (Incidentally, I’ve now dropped 24 pounds total.) And Rodd likes the challenge of inventing low-carb versions of food. (Today he created home-made tortillas made from soy flour, wheat germ, gluten flour and almond flour. Sounds gross, but when topped with cheese, jalapenos, and tomatos, they were damn good.)

    I saw something today that I knew would make you laugh. I was at the gym on the treadmill when I saw this little Asian man contemplating the StairMaster. He was almost bald and had little glasses, and he was wearing a white T-shirt tucked into big gray sweat pants. He was so cute. Then he turned towards me and I saw the giant “SHIT HAPPENS” printed down his pant leg. I nearly fell off the treadmill laughing. 🙂

  5. hilarious image, kris. 🙂

    and congrats on having a BF who likes spending time in the kitchen, not to mention the outstanding weight loss!

  6. Hey, thanks. It’s weird; I had a dream the other night and I saw myself all skinny. I dreamed I was at the gym and I was just wearing, like, a sports bra and shorts. And I looked damn good! So evidently my new body image has been accepted by my subconscious. Now I just need to get there. 🙂

  7. it’s funny- atkins really does make you defensive of it. I mean, doctors are pissed because their hasn’t been research to prove it’s bad yet, because there haven’t been enough studies done. But, Dr. Atkins is kind of over-the-top, saying his way is the only way, and that it is healthy, etc. I think it’s gotta be somewhere in the middle. Cheese and bacon strips can’t be super perfect foods. But, the scale don’t lie y’all, youknowwhati’msayin’? Maybe it’s too easy to confuse “weight loss” with “healthy living”.

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