Thoughts About the Non-Football Parts of the Super Bowl:
- Who the hell picked Celine Dion to sing “God Bless America”? Doesn’t everybody in the world know she’s Canadian? When she sang “God bless America, my home sweet home,” I rolled my eyes and yelled at the TV: “It’s not your home! You live in Montreal with your 90-year-old husband and your crazy frozen sperm baby!”
- That said, the Dixie Chicks were a great choice for the anthem. I really liked the arrangement they used. Simple and beautiful.
- As usual, we international folks didn’t get to see the commercials. That sucks. What’d I miss? Anything good?
- Our commentators were Dick Stockton and Troy Aikman. I never liked Aikman as a player but he was a pretty good commentator. He went out of his way to explain some of the weirder rules (“illegal use of hands”?) to the international viewers. He sounds an awful lot like John McEnroe, though (who I’ve been hearing for two weeks at the Australian Open). I thought Aikman had a stronger “southern” accent?
- Is there some rule that otherwise attractive singers have to dress like psycho slutty circus freaks when they perform at half time? (Remember when Britney had the sock on her arm that one year?) Someone should point out to Shania Twain that middle-class Midwestern America (i.e. 90% of her audience) will only approve of so much bondage-wear.
- Oh, and why did Shania open with that “Man, I Feel Like a Woman” song? Wasn’t that a hit, like, five years ago? I correctly predicted that No Doubt would continue the theme and sing “I’m Just a Girl”, which was even older.
- Gwen Stefani is a super freak who so doesn’t deserve Gavin Rossdale. She also looks a lot like Brittney Murphy, I just realized. That’s not good either.
- Before Sting even came out, I predicted to the Snook that, adhering to the theme of singing progressively older songs, he’d bust out a Police tune. I was not wrong. I forgave him, though, because he looked pretty damn good.
- What happened to Shania at the end there? Sting and Gwen were singing together and I kept expecting her to run in with the next verse. Is Shania such a diva that she won’t do the group-sing thing? Weak.
- The Australian commentators were really going out of their way to try to make this spectacle relevant to the home crowd. At one point, the head guy announced an “Australian connection”: Shania Twain’s husband, Mutt Lang, apparently produced a lot of “really good ACDC records”. I swear I heard the entire viewing audience reply, “You’re really reaching, dude.”
- Wow, there were a lot of players who’d come over from the European league. Did they mention that on the US broadcast? There were, like, 12 per team. I was wondering if that’s an unusually high number, or whether they just don’t mention it as much to the US because no one cares there.
- Was that Bon Jovi playing there at the end? Bleh. How about next year they book somebody that the kids actually, you know, listen to these days? Yeah, I criticized U2 for whoring themselves out to all the sports finals last year, but I’d take them over this crap any day.
Man, that all sounds pretty negative. I really did enjoy the game itself. I always like seeing an underdog win. It was also great to see my man Jerry Rice have a couple nice catches. I think it’s just hard without the commercials to distract you from how silly and stupid the whole thing is. So tell me, which ones are everybody going to be talking about this year? Were there any dotcoms? Any Britney-sightings? Enquiring minds need to know.