… Umbrellas. We had two days of rain this week and each morning I hate to fight my way to work through a sea of self-important wankers carrying golf umbrellas on the sidewalk. Look, people, it’s raining. Accept that your feet are going to get a little wet and give the rest of us a break. This whole umbrella-size arms race is just ridiculous. I started envisioning a sketch (for the little comedy show that plays in my head, of course) involving a person carrying a patio table umbrella down George Street in Sydney. You know, like the guy with the big phone on Trigger Happy TV. That cheered me up a little.
… Children. I understand that the shop appeals to mostly female customers, and that many of those customers spend their days at home taking care of their kids. I understand that coming to a beautiful shop to indulge in their hobby must feel like a wonderful little vacation. I just wish they’d leave the damn kids at home. Every single day some mother comes in dragging her offspring, only to park them in the corner and ignore them while she shops. If it’s a baby, it will inevitably start to scream and cry (while blocking traffic in it’s inevitably Inappropriate Large Stroller). If they’re ambulatory, they’ll run up and down the length of the store while yelling. I’m not exaggerating. Our shop has lots of beautiful, shiny, colorful, expensive things that the young dears just love to run their sticky hands over and pull off the shelves into a heap. If anything, these experiences only serve to dampen yet further the nearly-inaudible tickings of my own biological clock.
… Old Ladies. Look, I like being appreciated. I go out of my way to help customers and it’s nice when they thank me. There’s a line, though, and occasionally it gets crossed. Like today, when a 70-year-old woman kissed me and then – I swear – propositioned me. Seriously. All because I put some wool on hold for her and promised that I’d keep it til she came back for her next knitting class. She thanked me profusely while grasping my hand and I tried to leave it at that, but she had a grip of steel and I surrendered to the inevitable cheek smooch, thinking that’d be the end of it. “Oh, you are just so special! What would we do without this girl? Isn’t she the greatest! I just wish I could take you home with me! Not only will you be kept, you’ll be fed and watered too!” *double take* What, what, what? Creepy old lady.