Effing Feline

Austrian scientists suggest “that for a man, sharing a bed can momentarily decrease brain power.” Apparently we women disturb their sleep and stress them out, while we ourselves sleep too deeply to be affected. Unfortunately this study is FLAWED, because they failed to introduce the “F” factor. (That stands for “effing feline.”) Dr. Amy Jones has decided that since the sun is coming up earlier, she should get her breakfast a little bit earlier every day too. She got me up at 5am yesterday. The Snook somehow sleeps right through her ploys, whereas I go through a five stage process: 1) being rudely awakened by the feeling of four pounds of cat sitting on my stomach; 2) rolling violently from side to side to get her off me while I try to get back to sleep; 3) passive-aggressively wishing the Snook would wake up and deal with her while I frantically kick out with both legs at the foot of the bed, where she’s scratching; 4) throwing myself out of bed dramatically and stomping to the kitchen, where I kick open her automatic feeder and tell her to choke on it; 5) seething for half an hour in bed while recognizing that I should never, ever have children. AND DO YOU THINK THAT’S GOOD FOR MY MENTAL STATE, FANCY PANTS AUSTRIAN SCIENTISTS? I DON’T THINK SO. (Original rant-prompting link from Christopher, who has his own bed and no doubt sleeps the sleep of the blessed and just.)


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  1. My daughter is 8 years old. My DH has never heard her at night…in 8 years! Now, he doesn’t hear the puppy when she needs attention. How do I contact those Austrian Scientists.

  2. Ditto to Rhonda’s comment. Nathaniel seldom budges when one of the girls cries. It takes repeated kicking in the shins and elbows in the back before he wakes up enough to register the sound. It was the same when we had our kitties. They’d keep me awake all night, and he’d never notice they were there at all.

    Though I will say that I’ve found being awakened by my children significantly easier to cope with than I did the cats, despite the fact that the kids wake me more often (case in point: I still have the kids, though I found a new home for that cats). So maybe that’s not the best way to judge whether you’re meant to be a parent. 🙂

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