Went out to do laundry. Did my customary “Spider Check” in the corners of the shed. Noticed a huge hairy brown tarantula-lookin’ thing in the doorjamb, about – oh – two inches from my head. Freaked out. Came inside and IMed the Snook. He was anything but reassuring.
Him: Those ones don’t drop. They just run real fast. Well, they do jump if you scare them. That’s why you should wear shoes, so you can stomp on them after they jump on you.
Me: WHAT? Are they bitey?
Him: Not really.
Me: “Not really”?? What the hell does that mean?
Him: Well, they hardly ever bite, and they’re not deadly. Some people claim they do nasty things like make your arm fall off, but more likely it’ll just hurt a lot.
Me: *dead faint*