Mortification.

Mortification.

Woman: “Wow, it’s really busy in here.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m still adjusting to running around on my feet all day!”
Her: “Sure, and especially since you have a bun in the oven…”
Me (after thinking about this for five seconds): “WHAT? I’m not pregnant!
Her: “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. You just looked like you had a little belly there…”
Me: “It’s just this stupid denim apron! Everyone else’s is custom-made but I don’t have one yet so I have to wear this stupid one that pooches out in the front!”
Her bratty son: “Way to go, Mom.”

So yeah. I’m off the detox and back onto the Atkins induction, big time. I’m strangely ambivalent about the end result of the detox. It was rough avoiding meat, dairy, and caffeine for two weeks, but I didn’t feel fundamentally much different afterwards. I didn’t lose much weight at all. (Granted, I only went to the gym, like, once, but I was running my butt off at the new job.) It certainly “cleaned my intestines” if you know what I mean (and I think you do), but I didn’t pass any twenty year old marbles or anything. It was basically just two weeks of low-grade diarrhea. I think I’ve settled the question in my own mind about whether they’re effective or not. I have to admit that it was kinda fun being a fake vegetarian, though. I actually had to send back a dish at a Korean restaurant when it came with seafood on it. I was like, “I’m sorry; I can’t eat this. I’m vegetarian.” And they were like, “Ohhh! I’m so sorry!” People suddenly started thinking I had ideals and principles and stuff. I almost felt like I could have kept it up if I had any political or moral leanings that way, but… Nah. Hamburgers are still too good.

But anyway, yeah, back to the Atkins. I can’t believe that woman. That is the first time anyone has ever said that to me! Maybe I need to go all Mary-Kate and stop eating altogether.

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15 Comments

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  1. Ugh, some people really need to think before they speak! Anyway, like you said, it was the apron – please don’t go all Mary-Kate on us. (one of them is enough!) :p

  2. what a nit-wit! Did she at least spend a lot of money?

  3. Her kid gave her some serious crap about it, which was pretty funny. And he was eight, which was even funnier. Oh, and I might have cut her cross-stitch fabric all crooked, which is pretty funny too.

  4. LMAO – go you. πŸ˜‰

  5. I hope the mortification was on her end; how rude!! And I’ll second Niffler: don’t take the comment too personally and be unhealthy.

  6. The fear of doing that is why I wait for someone to tell me they are pregnant. I never assume nor ask.

    I thought Mary Kate was doing cocaine? I had a very lengthy discussion with my niece on the subject thanks to Mary Kate.

  7. Mary-Kate is NOT on cocaine! I refuse to believe it.

    And thanks for the article link, Kris. I couldn’t make myself not read. And right before lunch, too! πŸ˜‰

  8. that sucks, RT! stupid lady- i’m sure it’s just the apron. and about people not keeping their traps shut, a couple of weeks after i got my wisdom teeth out (and assumed that i was looking normal again), some checkout lady at walgreen’s blurted out, “What happened to your face?”. also, for some reason i look really fat in head-shot ID photos, so people are always making comments like “wow, you must have lost a lot of weight after you got this liscence” and i respond, “No, I just look fat in pictures.”

  9. 2. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

    — Dave Barry, “Sixteen Things That It Took Me 50 Years To Learn”

  10. Does your new job pay you enough so you could actually lose weight by powedering your nose as much as Mary Kate? Maybe I’m in the wrong field!

  11. I thought that only happened in sitcoms. Weird. Maybe your life is becoming a sitcom. Sounds like we need a Mary Kate thread.

  12. Kris, you are totally gorgeous. You should make yourself feel better by thinking about the butt ugly cross stitch she was probably going to make(was that too harsh?). It is probably of a country barn with wild flowers or some such tripe, and it will probably take her like a year to finish and she wont even be able to wear it.
    xox

  13. Awww, thanks guys. I mentioned it to a few of my co-workers today and they were all sympathetic. I guess it’s happened to a couple of them as well. Apparently our fashionable denim aprons are much to blame.

    And no, my pseudo-emulation of Mary-Kate only extends to her efforts at emaciating herself… I don’t make nearly enough as a shopgirl to do anything else. πŸ™‚

  14. And Helen… BWA HA HA! You’re so right. We need to have a Stitch and Bitch so I can tell you guys about some of the customers I’ve encountered. I guess I was spoiled by knowing so many really creative knitters that I didn’t realize how 95% of the people doing it nowadays are completely unimaginative and dumb. They won’t do anything unless it’s spelled out in a pattern. They ask me whether they can combine two yarns and get exasperated when I tell them for the umpteenth time that yes, they can, there aren’t any hard rules in knitting so you can do whatever you want. Apparently that freedom really freaks people out. I could probably make a fortune by writing a damn book called “Knitting in the 21st Century: Absolutely Everything You Need to Know about Garter Stitch Scarves in Novelty Yarns.”

  15. You know, you’ve just given me this enormous yearning for a nice fat steak, and I know I’m not gonna get it.

    Ah, well, I could fry up some salami and an egg….

    I should get back on the exercycle but my knees hurt.

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