Woman: “Wow, it’s really busy in here.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m still adjusting to running around on my feet all day!”
Her: “Sure, and especially since you have a bun in the oven…”
Me (after thinking about this for five seconds): “WHAT? I’m not pregnant!“
Her: “Oh my God. I’m so sorry. You just looked like you had a little belly there…”
Me: “It’s just this stupid denim apron! Everyone else’s is custom-made but I don’t have one yet so I have to wear this stupid one that pooches out in the front!”
Her bratty son: “Way to go, Mom.”
So yeah. I’m off the detox and back onto the Atkins induction, big time. I’m strangely ambivalent about the end result of the detox. It was rough avoiding meat, dairy, and caffeine for two weeks, but I didn’t feel fundamentally much different afterwards. I didn’t lose much weight at all. (Granted, I only went to the gym, like, once, but I was running my butt off at the new job.) It certainly “cleaned my intestines” if you know what I mean (and I think you do), but I didn’t pass any twenty year old marbles or anything. It was basically just two weeks of low-grade diarrhea. I think I’ve settled the question in my own mind about whether they’re effective or not. I have to admit that it was kinda fun being a fake vegetarian, though. I actually had to send back a dish at a Korean restaurant when it came with seafood on it. I was like, “I’m sorry; I can’t eat this. I’m vegetarian.” And they were like, “Ohhh! I’m so sorry!” People suddenly started thinking I had ideals and principles and stuff. I almost felt like I could have kept it up if I had any political or moral leanings that way, but… Nah. Hamburgers are still too good.
But anyway, yeah, back to the Atkins. I can’t believe that woman. That is the first time anyone has ever said that to me! Maybe I need to go all Mary-Kate and stop eating altogether.