- Bus Panickers. If I’m sitting in the outside seat on the bus and the person beside me starts making “get up” signals five minutes before my stop, I smile and say, “Oh, I’m getting off there too” and then make them wait til the bus comes to a complete stop. Eventually someone’s going to pee themselves from anxiety, I just know it. People, you won’t get trapped on the bus!
- Anti-Social Bus Sitters. If someone is sitting in the outside seat on the bus (leaving the inside empty or, god forbid, sitting their bag there), I make sitting beside them a PRIORITY. We’re not in elementary school anymore; you have to share. Make room for other people!
- Door Cloggers. If four people are standing at the back door of the bus, leaving the whole back end empty while others are crammed against the windshield, I’ll call out sweetly, “Can you move to the back please?” And if they don’t, I’ll pointedly push my way through and then give them a dirty look. Again, you won’t get trapped on the bus.
- Public Spitters. It’s always men. It’s DISGUSTING. I give them pointed dirty looks.
- Cigarette Butt Droppers. Again, disgusting. There are trash cans with ash trays, like, every fifty feet in the city. Use them. I currently give these people dirty looks, but I can see it escalating as I get older. I’ll probably end up brandishing their smoking butt in their faces. Use the trash can!
- Escalator Hogs. It’s gotten to the point where I actually relish seeing two people standing abreast on the escalator, so that I can exclaim “Excuse me!” while barreling past. The sign says to stand to one side. Obey it.
- Golf Umbrellas. Please go outside and put up your umbrella. If you hold one arm straight out to the side, are you still within the boundaries of your umbrella? If so, YOU ARE A BLIGHT ON SOCIETY. You make it impossible for people with normal umbrellas to walk past you on the sidewalk. And unless you’re tall as well, you’re probably whacking tall people in the face with spokes as you obliviously stroll to work in your own personal environmental bubble. Your right to remain dry stops when I have to walk in the street to get around your stupid, inappropriately large umbrella. For these people, I look pointedly at their umbrella, roll my eyes, and then give them a dirty look. Maybe I should wiggle my pinkie at them?
Yes, I realize I’m turning into a Grumpy Old Woman. But dammit, we’re trying to have a society here!
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