Oh good grief. How do I get myself in these situations? I somehow got roped into playing basketball on a co-worker’s rec league team tonight. I’ve told her repeatedly that I haven’t touched a basketball in 15 years, that I’m out of shape and I doubt I’ll last the match, that I’m clumsy and I’ll most likely wipe out on my face at some point. They still need me. Now I’m freaking out that my teammates will be expecting some giant American ringer. My only hope is that the other players will all be tiny Asians and I can just stand under the basket with my arms up in the air.

Update: We won! And I didn’t fall down! Oh my god, am I tired. We only had one sub so I was in most of the 40 minutes of the game. They even made me do the jump ball at the start! (I didn’t get a single finger on it. My vertical is, like, two inches.) I took two shots but I missed them both. My real contribution – if I do say so myself – was on defense. Since it’s a coed league, guys aren’t allowed to block girls’ shots. If they do, the girls automatically get the two points. Since the other girls on our team were little, my job was to be Shaquille O’Neill and get in their faces. This one girl was totally like, “Ref, come on!” when I had her cornered down in the paint. Oh yeah, I was intimidating. My real highlight came at the end of the first half. The only really good player on the other team was this Asian guy who was just schooling us every time he touched the ball. He was barrelling down the court and I just thought, “Self, he’s not gettin’ past you this time.” So I stepped up, threw out my hip, and laid his ass on the floor! Stopped him dead in his tracks. It was a massive foul of course, but he only made one of the free throws so I think it was a moral victory. Go me! (I’m going to have bruises tomorrow.) After the game I was like, “Dude, you rock. Sorry about that, uh, body check back there.” And oh yeah, I wore the big white sweatband. Check out my Intimidation Face!


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  1. Hahahaha, I wouldn’t want to run into basketball-you in a dark alley! :p

    Congrats on the win, Kris – you totally got down with your bad self… or something to that effect.

  2. awesome! you know what they say, offense winds games, but defense wins championship. especially intimidating sweatband-wearing defenders.

  3. I was mentally laughing at myself the whole time. I haven’t even watched a basketball game in years (and I haven’t been “coached” in it since middle school), so my strategy was really, really rusty. It was almost half-time when my brain creaked out: “Hey, if I stand here and block that guy so my teammate can run around… that’s a PICK!” Or something.

    Oh, and I forgot to mention: Australians really need to work the high-five. Every time I went to sub in or out, I naturally went to high-five my replacement. They were always like, “Whaaa?” I tried to explain that’s a necessary part of team bonding. We’ll move on to the ass-grabbing next time. 🙂

  4. Basketball is a super fun way to just destroy your body into great shape. You just have to be careful about not destroying the knees and ankles. Sounds like you have some good “big man” instincts! Hey just work on the layups and soon you will probably be scoring a little too! As far as high-5’s, the trouble nowadays here in America is that some people do high-5’s and some do power-fists, which can lead to confusion.

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